Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Thus is Life...

Disclaimer: Pity Party Alert

Ah, this wonderful thing we call "life".  My life has been NUTS lately.  Dramatic, may be a better term.  Maybe more dramatic than it needs to be... maybe not.  Well, it doesn't NEED to be dramatic, but I feel my drama is not without cause.

I realized something tonight.  Well, I've realized it before, but I'm coming to terms with it tonight.  Life is what you make it.  The way my life has become is all a result of my own poor choices.  I've always known that but it's really easy to blame others for things.  I can not control the way that people treat me, but I can control who I surround myself with.  I can not control being unable to pay my bills at the exact moment in time when they're due, but I can control what profession I'm in and how I save my money.  I can control who/what I put my trust in, but I can't control how people will manipulate and take advantage of that trust.

Thus is life.

I need to start making better choices for my life.  I think those choices are going to be completely enveloped in ME.  I know this will seem backward from what most people would say, but I need to start being selfish.  I'm sure there are a few of you out there who feel I am already a selfish person.  I agree; I am in a lot of ways.  I go out some nights so I can be with friends and I leave my dog home alone.  I always feel guilty about this.  I agreed to let my neighbor use my garage to store his mowers in exchange for doing my snow all winter.  SO not a fair trade.  As many of you know, I stole my sister's colored sparkler when we were kids, just because I could.  (She Chuck Norris'ed her way to a bloody leg and got them back out of pity... and my mom yelling at me.)  SELFISH.

I'm also the girl who would bend over backward for a friend in need.  I'm the girl who will climb out of bed at 2am to give her drunk friend a safe ride home.  I'm the girl who will drop everything if someone she loves (or even an acquaintance) says "I need/want you to..." I'm the girl who will rearrange her work schedule so that she can make sure to help out anyone who needs it, even if it means working long hours and working nonbillable hours some days.  I'm the girl who will give money to charity even though I have my own incredible amount of debt.  I'm the girl who is still there no matter what's been done to hurt her or make her feel like garbage.  I'm THAT girl.

This last one is the one I need to work on.  I want to be there for people; I really do.  I want to help others, even if they wouldn't do the same for me.  I want to do these things and I DO them.  But, lately it's been coming back to bite me.  My time is not valuable to me... it feels more valuable when I help people with it.  However, lately I've been letting my emotions get the best of me.  I am not good at feigning apathy.  I wish I could turn my feelings off.  I wish I could stop myself from feeling manipulated, abused and taken advantage of.  I wish I could shut off the hurt and pain I feel because of these things.  The problem is, I can ignore these feelings during these moments, but when I get home, they really start to wear on me.  My mind is in overdrive the majority of my conscious time and it's becoming depressing.  I'm not going to be able to BE unselfish if I DON'T take a selfish moment to think of myself and help myself to heal and become emotionally healthy again.  My unselfish acts are going to cause me to become a highly selfish person in a negative way, if I don't allow myself to be selfish on my own, so that I can heal.

I know.  Who planned the pity party?  Jenni Schwartz: Always the martyr.  I guess if you don't want to hear me bitch and moan, you'll know to no longer follow my blog, right?  I promise to have a more peppy blog entry soon, but right now there isn't enough pep in the world to make that happen.

It is what it is.  My favorite phrase.  I guess it's time to retire it if I'm really going to make my life better.  It IS what it IS.  (one last time for good measure)
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