Disclaimer: Pity Party Alert

Ah, this wonderful thing we call "life".  My life has been NUTS lately.  Dramatic, may be a better term.  Maybe more dramatic than it needs to be... maybe not.  Well, it doesn't NEED to be dramatic, but I feel my drama is not without cause.

I realized something tonight.  Well, I've realized it before, but I'm coming to terms with it tonight.  Life is what you make it.  The way my life has become is all a result of my own poor choices.  I've always known that but it's really easy to blame others for things.  I can not control the way that people treat me, but I can control who I surround myself with.  I can not control being unable to pay my bills at the exact moment in time when they're due, but I can control what profession I'm in and how I save my money.  I can control who/what I put my trust in, but I can't control how people will manipulate and take advantage of that trust.

Thus is life.

I need to start making better choices for my life.  I think those choices are going to be completely enveloped in ME.  I know this will seem backward from what most people would say, but I need to start being selfish.  I'm sure there are a few of you out there who feel I am already a selfish person.  I agree; I am in a lot of ways.  I go out some nights so I can be with friends and I leave my dog home alone.  I always feel guilty about this.  I agreed to let my neighbor use my garage to store his mowers in exchange for doing my snow all winter.  SO not a fair trade.  As many of you know, I stole my sister's colored sparkler when we were kids, just because I could.  (She Chuck Norris'ed her way to a bloody leg and got them back out of pity... and my mom yelling at me.)  SELFISH.

I'm also the girl who would bend over backward for a friend in need.  I'm the girl who will climb out of bed at 2am to give her drunk friend a safe ride home.  I'm the girl who will drop everything if someone she loves (or even an acquaintance) says "I need/want you to..." I'm the girl who will rearrange her work schedule so that she can make sure to help out anyone who needs it, even if it means working long hours and working nonbillable hours some days.  I'm the girl who will give money to charity even though I have my own incredible amount of debt.  I'm the girl who is still there no matter what's been done to hurt her or make her feel like garbage.  I'm THAT girl.

This last one is the one I need to work on.  I want to be there for people; I really do.  I want to help others, even if they wouldn't do the same for me.  I want to do these things and I DO them.  But, lately it's been coming back to bite me.  My time is not valuable to me... it feels more valuable when I help people with it.  However, lately I've been letting my emotions get the best of me.  I am not good at feigning apathy.  I wish I could turn my feelings off.  I wish I could stop myself from feeling manipulated, abused and taken advantage of.  I wish I could shut off the hurt and pain I feel because of these things.  The problem is, I can ignore these feelings during these moments, but when I get home, they really start to wear on me.  My mind is in overdrive the majority of my conscious time and it's becoming depressing.  I'm not going to be able to BE unselfish if I DON'T take a selfish moment to think of myself and help myself to heal and become emotionally healthy again.  My unselfish acts are going to cause me to become a highly selfish person in a negative way, if I don't allow myself to be selfish on my own, so that I can heal.

I know.  Who planned the pity party?  Jenni Schwartz: Always the martyr.  I guess if you don't want to hear me bitch and moan, you'll know to no longer follow my blog, right?  I promise to have a more peppy blog entry soon, but right now there isn't enough pep in the world to make that happen.

It is what it is.  My favorite phrase.  I guess it's time to retire it if I'm really going to make my life better.  It IS what it IS.  (one last time for good measure)

Hey! I swear this post ends on a positive note!

Disclaimer:  The blog you are about to read is raw.  This is real.  This is me.  It's all coming out there and it's full of negativity.  If you want no part of that, read no further.  There may be parts that will offend some of you.  There will be parts that will make me sound like a raging bitch.  There will definitely be parts that make you change your opinion of me, more than likely in a negative light.  It is what it is and I am what I am.  I won't apologize for that.  I gave you this disclaimer.

I should add: it's long and there are no pictures.  I'm sorry.

I do know how long it has been.  I'm very aware.  My world has been tilted and spun and completely imploded and rebuilt (kind of) over the last year.  You may remember this post from last year.  A wee bit o' negativity well-rounded out to a life on the right track.  House. Dog. Fiancé.  BAM.  "Well, here's a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down..."  (If you don't know where that lyric came from, you're either too old, too young, or not cool enough.)

Where do I begin?  Here's a little run through for those of you who chose not to click the link above.  Last year at this time, I had bought and been living in our very first home with my fiancé, Jack, for about a year. We had a puppy who was just over a year old and we were on our way to the whole lot: marriage, babies, A LIFE together.  Fast forward about a year and HERE WE I SIT.

The majority of this is going to be new information for you.  Some of you will know parts of it.  Some of you will have heard rumors.  A few of you will know most of it.  None of you will know all of it.  But guess what?  I'm at the point where I'm sick of people asking questions.  I'm sick of telling the story.  I'm sick of explaining myself when it's none of your god damn buisness in the first place.  But... here it is.

Here's the main question answered for you all: YES.  JACK AND I ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER.  I gave Jack his ring back in November 2010 after 3 1/2 years together and an almost 2 year engagement. It was a mutual decision. Wait, wait... hold on.  This date may seem odd to those of you closest to us.  Yes, we lived together up until about a month ago.  Originally it was so close to the holidays that we decided it best to fake it for our families... and we did.  Then we were nostalgic BECAUSE of the holidays so we started to fall back in to the ol' swing of things, including our glorious fights... oh the fights.  We kept putting off telling everyone and it was working as housemates for a while.  Then it came time for my brother's wedding.  Well, we faked it through that, down to my wearing the engagement ring for the reception.  Yep.  After that things got bad.  Ugly.  We told our families we had split, but we were still attempting to be housemates for financial reasons.  That did NOT work.  Jack finally moved out at the end of July.  Isn't it funny how when it's truly the end, the only things you remember are the good parts?  I have to be honest.  Even with everything we had been through, that entire weekend all I kept thinking was "is this the right thing?" and "if it is right, why am I so upset about it?"  I mean, the engagement had already been broken off for 8 months at that point; why does it still hurt?  Why am I crying about it now, another month later, while writing this blog?

Why did we split you ask?  Oh, thank you for asking!  That's a delightful question to answer.  I'm sure that everyone who splits from their partner LOVE to answer that question.  There are a multitude of reasons and frankly, I'm not going to delve in to it.  Yes, I know I said I would bare all, but I'm not about to slander Jack.  He is a good person with a good heart regardless of how we've treated each other.  I could list for you a thousand reasons why we worked but the handful that explains why we didn't overshadow the larger number tenfold.  This is not only my business to share and I will respect Jack enough not to give you our reasons.  I know some of you think you know, but you have no idea.  I've shared some with some of you, but all of it with none of you.  I'm sure Jack would have completely different reasons for why we split than I do.  When it comes down to it, I think Jack and I are both great people as individuals, but when we are together we are completely toxic.  That doesn't make for a happy home.

Oh, that happy home?  Unfortunately for me, the home is all in my name.  Jack was able to walk out without a care or concern for it (although he feels this is unfortunate on his end... he would have loved for it to be the other way around).  So, I'm left with a huge house for myself and my dog and the financial burden of it as well.  Don't get me wrong; I love being a homeowner.  But when you pair up paying for a ginormous house I don't need with all of my other financial problems... this is where the Schwartz Shit Show begins.  Welcome.

Finances:  Remember when I didn't work for 10 months and used to blog daily?  That's where it began.  Debt can build up quickly.  I have a mortgage, I have credit cards, I have a $4000 knee replacement for my dog and all of those other lovely bills.  Bills, bills, bills... blech.  I know you all know how that goes, so I won't be using this blog to play the martyr over my financial woes, though they are very real and will very likely make me forclose on my home eventually... until then, I'm planted.  Oh, I should add, I'm in quite possibly the most underpaid and underappreciated field ever: social work.  Just to give you a feel for how serious my problem really is.

The dog... ugh this was such a tough one.  For months Jack and I fought tooth and nail about who was taking Kaiah when he moved out.  She was really the only "possession" either of us cared to have.  In the end, she is with me, and it's actually really sad.  Jack and I didn't work for many reasons but in the end, I feel like I'm the evil one because I gained got stuck with the home we were trying to create and was lucky enough to get the dog that we had been raising since she was only a few weeks old.  You know what?  It absolutely broke my heart.  Yes, I was lucky to gain her, but I had to take her from Jack.  That makes me cry right now thinking about it.  In the end he didn't fight with me for her.  He stated that it would be best for Kai to be in the house than for her to be stuck in an apartment with him.  Even if we hated each other toward the end, the one thing that Jack always loved and treated right was Kaiah.  It killed me a little bit.  I made a point to not be there when Jack finally left, not because I didn't want to say "goodbye" but because I didn't want to have to see him say "goodbye" to her.  She waited on the doorstep EVERY DAY for weeks at 4:00 waiting for him to come home from work.  She is just now realizing that he's not coming back.  Maybe I'm too emotionally attached to her, but it killed me having to watch that and having to tell her that it was okay.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a parent in a divorce.  I still can't say "dad" around Kaiah without her ears perking up and her getting excited.

Oh... did you think that was the end?  That would be INCORRECT!

I'm gonna add a quick lil' note here to tell you that I'm not even going to delve in to my work problems.  There are too many eyes on the internet.  I don't have bad things to say about my place of work, more so just my personal thoughts and feelings regarding my choice of profession.  Everyone has work complaints, right?  Really it's another blog for another day.

So, how am I?  Why, thank you for asking!  I'm an emotional trainwreck.  Today has been the day from hell.  I've dealt with the insurance agency of some bitch who backed in to my car and is trying to blame me for it.  The only want to pay me 80% of the damages.  Bull shit. 

Today I've also dealt with receiving not-so-lovely news from my doctor.  I've filled a brand new lifetime prescription for it.  Hypothyroidism.  For life.  Literally.  I received another lovely blow from my doctor regarding the unlikelihood of my ever having children... not impossible, but not likely. 

I've dealt with a few other things, but they were more the result of my being an insecure, emotionally raw being today, so I'll keep that to myself.

Let's see... what other shitty things are happening with me?  Hmmm...  I think that covers it pretty well.  (Except I forgot to mention that Jack got to take the good couches, the PS3 AND every dvd player in the house... making life less entertaining for me!)

Good stuff?  Well, how about we start with the in-the-middle stuff.  Some of you may be asking, "Is there a new man in your life?"  Great question folks.  I don't know.  There is, but there isn't.  It's not really a public knowledge relationship, though some of our mutual friends know about us.  There's no definition on it, though it's been "going on" since May.  I guess you'd say we're... yeah, I don't even know.  This is why it's in my "in-the-middle stuff" category.  I don't know what we are or what we're doing so... yep.  He and I have been able to support each other through very tough times for both of us lately and what we "are/are not" works for us right now. I'm not going to go further in to it because, again, there is another party involved and he is entitled to that privacy as well. 

The good stuff:  I've met a lot of people over the last 3 months that I'm now glad to call my friends.  I've not really had a chance to let new people help me cope as much as I have over the last few months.  I've always depended on my life-long friends for that.  Don't get me wrong; my long-time friends have been very supportive of me as well.  I'm just saying that I am surprised at the support I've received from new friends.  I love and appreciate you all.  You know if you've been there for me over the past few months, so I don't feel that I need to name names.  Thank you.

I've also had a wedding-filled summer that has been amazing.  I would like to take the time to apologize, however, because my summer was SO filled with weddings, I've not made it to several and I've not made it to a lot of other events because of weddings.  It's hard to make decisions about who to be with and for what reasons and what event is more important than the next.  Thank you for loving me even if I didn't make it to a special day for you.

Last, but definitely not least, my family.  The thing I've always appreciated most about my parents: they let me make my mistakes and learn from them.  Okay... scratch that.  I can't really say that I've ALWAYS appreciated that, but I really do now.  My parents have always scolded me and they've always taught me right from wrong and they've always told me when I've messed up and what I should have done instead, but after doing so, they let me move on.  They let me try to fix it and they try to help if they can.  I love you both for that.  Thank you.  My little sister.  The little bitch.  We've had moments where we've wanted to tear off the other's face.  She roundhouse kicked through a french glass door 'cause I stole her sparkler.  Haha... I love her.  She is my rock and will listen to me bitch about anything.  My brothers... ah, my brothers.  If I need comedic relief, I know who to call.  I also know who to call if I need to be grilled/teased.  I thought we were supposed to outgrow that...

Anyway, I know this is more information that any of you ever needed to know about my life.  At least now my extended family can know the facts, my facebookers can realize the truths and my tweeters can understand my constant bitchy nature.  It's not an excuse... just an explanation.  Sorry to offend... but not really.  I gave you a disclaimer.

P90X Update

I'm back on the P90X wagon.  It wasn't like I really meant to quit, but when the only room in your house that you have ample space to workout in, literally has the floor torn out, it is kind of hard to keep up the routine.  So, I did the first 3 1/2 weeks of P90X Lean (the more cardio, aerobic focused program), quit for 3 weeks, and am currently back to it.  I wasn't sure if it were better to pick up where I left off or restart the program.  I opted for restarting.  I am now currently starting week 4 of the P90X Lean program.

Here's the thing:  I think I am becoming slightly obsessed.  If it gets to be midnight and I haven't found time in my busy schedule to complete my workout, I do it then.  At midnight.  The day we got our carpet put in the basement, I skipped doing my Legs & Back routine because the carpet guys were in there all day and we moved furniture back in (which I figured really could COUNT as my legs and back workout), but I felt guilty as all get out the entire time I tried to fall asleep that night, even in to the next morning.  The thought of skipping a day makes me feel guilty.  I can't let my main man, Tony Horton, down!

Here's some good news:  I have lost 13.8 lbs in the first 3 weeks!  Really it's probably closer to 15 lbs., since I've eaten and apple and steamed rice and am fully clothed today (Yes, I LITERALLY just weighed myself), and the first time I weighed myself before starting it was first thing in the morning, wearing next to nil (sorry for any visual that may have occurred... yikes).  WOOT!  I know it will slow down tremendously as my body adjusts but 13.8 lbs. averages at 4.6 lbs. per week and that is definitely motivation enough to keep going!  Not that the thought of Tony Horton being disappointed in me isn't motivation enough. 

Do you all know the P90X program?  If not, I'm sorry because you have no idea what I'm talking about and are probably asking yourselves, who the H (F for my more vulgar friends) is Tony Horton?  He's the p90X guru, folks.  You can link to the P90X site at the top of my blog or here, if you want to know more about what I'm talking about.  I just always assume people know because there is a P90X infomercial on every six seconds.

Anyway, I'm off because I need to get in my YogaX before I go plan my afternoon counseling sessions and that shiz is 90 minutes long so I need to get to it! 

A month later...

Wow.
It's been almost a month since I've blogged.
I'm aware of how ridiculous this is.
I've had a lot going on.
Tore up the basement.
I'm actually developing a caseload at work.
This means that I've had to work.
Several new diagnoses.  (Yay... NOT.)
Brought back the phrase "NOT".
You know, the uje.

I've also decided that I can break down to the first syllable of "usual" by saying "uje" in order to make it sound right.  Care to disagree with me?  You come up with a better solution.  (Saying the whole word is NOT an option.

Here's a picture to make up for the load of crap I've just made you read.



Just a lil' something to show you how upset I was by my "Texas Toast" which 
was actually a tiny slice o' bun.  I'm aware of how unflattering this picture is.
It still makes me laugh.  A lot.



Everybody's NOT Fine!

Do not be deceived by the happiness on everyone's faces!

I just watched the most horribly terrible movie ever.  It was not a BAD movie.  It wasn't written poorly or bad in the sense of a review, but it was terrible in a sense of, I-never-want-to-see-it-again-because-of-how-it-made-me-feel terrible.  If that makes sense...

The movie was/is "Everybody's Fine".  If you haven't heard of it, it stars Robert DeNiro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale & Sam Rockwell.  It's about an older gentleman (DeNiro) who travels across the country to see his children.

The movie literally upset me from the very beginning.  SPOILER ALERT:  I have no intention of ruining the movie for anyone; you just will go in with more of a knowledge about the movie than I had going in (which was nil).

It starts out with a scene where DeNiro is shopping and is trying to spiffy up his home because all four of his kids will finally be coming to visit at the same time.  He buys wine, a grill, cleans the place up and is clearly looking forward to it.  Of course, everyone cancels.  Immediately I am upset because I have to see him all disappointed.

Moving forward, he decides to go visit them on his own.  Upon visiting, everyone shoves him back out the door because they don't want to discuss a certain event that is happening with one of his sons.  SO, I am constantly devastated by this because I can not handle seeing him get shoved out the door.  (It also makes you think about all of the times that you didn't make time for your family... but more about that in a little bit.)

Meanwhile, at one of the bus stations, the kid from "Empire Records", (you know him... "Stop calling me 'Warren'.  My name's not f*ckin' 'Warren'!"), jumps him and smashes his medication which he needs, because OF COURSE he has a health concern.  (That's not a MAJOR part of the movie but it's still upsetting.)

Then there is the climax.  I shall go no further as to not give too much away in case anyone wants to see it.

I found myself overly upset throughout the entire movie.  Like I said, the opening scene had me upset and I was sad (and bawling like a baby) throughout the entire movie; partially because of the movie's content, but more so because of how it made me reflect on my own life.

It really made me think about all of the times in my life when I haven't made time for someone, or have avoided a person just to avoid having to talk about a certain topic or event.  It made me think about all of the times I've cancelled plans because I was feeling lazy or didn't feel like talking to people.  You think, yeah, they'll be upset, but it's not a big deal if I'm not there.  The truth is, sometimes it IS a big deal.  Just because someone tells you that it's okay that you didn't make it; it doesn't mean that they weren't disappointed or upset by it.

We've all been disappointed and we've all had our feelings hurt.  Yes, you can't be there for everything.  You can't always make everyone happy (no matter how hard you try).  Yes, sometimes you do have to think about you and making time for yourself... but at what cost?  Is it better for you to sit around and watch a movie instead of going and playing cards with your grandparents for an afternoon?  Is it better for you to browse the Internet instead of picking up the phone and calling to chat with your mom or dad?   Yes, everyone needs "alone time", but think about all of the people that you know that have nothing but "alone time" and would love nothing more than to hear a loved one's voice on the other end of the phone.

As you can see, this movie really made me reflect on my life and decisions I've made in the past.  Sorry for being a sap today.

Get in touch with someone who loves you today.  You never know how much it will truly be appreciated.  It could make someone's day.  It doesn't cost any money; just a little bit of your time. 

Officially Bummed

So, it turns out that Bronko is going to be a no go.  :(  Kaiah did not like any part of him.  She attempted to sniff him but as soon as he muzzle bumped her, she was ready to destroy him.
I'm bummed though, so that's all I have to say on the subject at this point.

Huge Dilemma! I NEED your help!!!

Alright folks.  I need your help right now.  I am in the midst of a major internal debate.  I know this is a long post, but please stick with me; I am begging for your  input. 

While I was home over my lunch hour today, I randomly decided to peruse craigslist.  I have not looked at craigslist since job searching 3 months ago and I haven't looked at it for anything other than jobs for probably a year.  Well, on a whim I  just decided to search EVERYTHING on it today.

I purposefully do not allow myself to look at the pets on craigslist ANYTIME I'm on there because I can not turn myself away from a friend who needs a home.  Guess what I did TODAY though.  I LOOKED AT THE PETS!  Here-in begins the story of Bronko.

This is Bronko.   Bronko is an English Mastiff.  Bronko is absolutely AMAZING.  Bronko had a really nice write-up about him on craigslist.  The family rescued him from a home where he was terrorized by young children.  The adoptive family has a 10 year-old and a 14 year-old at home.  Bronko does fine with these two but he gets spooked easily, so, long story short, they are looking for a more suitable home for Bronko.  Here-in lies ME!

On a whim, before even speaking to my fiance about the matter, I decided to do some follow-up on my dearest Bronko.  I asked if he does okay with other dogs (the family had said that he has a high prey drive and doesn't do well with small dogs, so I asked about larger dogs, like Kaiah.)  I also asked about the re-homing fee, because let's face it:  I'm gonna need that money to feed this sucker!  He is 170 lbs.!  That is 75 lbs. bigger than Kaiah!

Speaking of Kaiah, here she is.  Does she look like she needs a friend?  I told her about Bronko and then we went on a walk and it is literally the best behaved she has ever been on a walk before.  Do you think this means that she is saying, "Hey Ma!  Look at how good I am!  I deserve a friend!" OR do you think she is saying, "Mom!  I'm being so good!  You don't have to get another dog to show me how to behave!"  (The family also mentioned how well-behaved Bronko is and I had told Kaiah that.  She understands human-speak perfectly fine, thank you.)

Back to Bronko though.  I received a response and the first line stated that I had almost brought the woman to tears with the mere mention of my having a dog named "Kaiah" as they had a St. Bernard named "Kyah" who passed away due to cancer in February.  What are the odds of THAT?  Kyah and Bronko had been BFF's so the family thought that Bronko and Kaiah could learn to love each other like Bronko and other Kyah had loved each other.  The kicker?  The family is willing to have no re-homing fee.  They just want the perfect home for Bronko.

Speaking of kicking, I then kicked myself in the ass for even having emailed the woman about Bronko.  I hadn't even spoken to Jack about him and now I was getting the family's hopes up that we might be a fantastic fated match for Bronko.

So, I talked to Jack and, no surprise here, he was all about it.  Loves the idea of it.  So I emailed back and forth with the family a couple of times and they would like the dogs to meet each other and they would like to meet us, so we are setting this up for Sunday.  This is the picture that I got in the most recent email, with the caption "Bronko looking at Kaiah".  She then explained in the email that she showed him the picture I had sent of Kaiah and he started sniffing the screen and staring at her.  See!  He loves her already!

Okay, so here are the facts.  I need help in my decision-making.  I will make a bulleted list for you, because let's face it; I've written way too many paragraphs and I've maybe held on to half (if that) of my readers.

To Start: Things that People Might Normally Think Are an Issue, but Truly are NOT for Us

• He is 170 lbs. of dog  (Jack and I are not even phased by this.  Other than the fact that we already have one 97 lb. dog sleeping with us.  Can you imagine another 170 lb. dog?  Good thing we have a king...)
• He slobbers (So what?  So does Kaiah.  You get used to it.)

Reasons NOT to get Bronko

• Kaiah gets spooked by other dogs  (Sometimes she loves them though.  She's big on first impressions.)
• Bronko gets spooked by kids (We have nieces and nephews.  We DON'T have kids though and we don't plan to anytime soon.  The extended family isn't around Kaiah that often the way it is.)
• 2 big dogs in the bed?
• We don't have a fenced-in yard (We plan to get one eventually, but right now Kaiah is on a long tether in the yard.  The family doesn't tether Bronko as they feel he would bolt if he got spooked so he only goes out on a leash.  They also do not have a fenced-in yard.)
• Big dogs are expensive.  (We know.  We have one.  We WILL afford it, but is it the smartest?)

Reasons TO get Bronko

• Look at him!  ----------------->
• He needs a good home and I know we can provide that!
• He is reportedly well-trained!  Extra bonus!
• He is used to having free reign of the house, which is fabulous because we NEVER lock Kaiah up!
• He doesn't chew on things he isn't supposed to
• He is a lover
• He is free to the right home and you better believe we have a GREAT home!
• He is one of the most handsome men I've ever seen!
• It's fate!  Let's face it people.  This IS fate.  I never get on craigslist anymore and on a whim I did and he was posted TODAY.  They used to have another dog named "Kyah" and WE have a "Kaiah".  Anytime that Jack and I talk about getting another dog, we always say that we want an English Mastiff and here one is.  AND Bronko needs us!

I'm sure there a bunch of other reasons I should and should not get Bronko, but my mind and stomach are both going crazy about this issue.

Seriously folks.  I am BEGGING for your help on this one.  This is a huge decision.  I know what my heart says and I know what my head says and I need help right now in deciding which one is smarter.  Help?  Leave me comments on this one.  I don't care if you never comment any of my other blogs and I don't care if you don't follow me.  Comment anonymously if you have to.  Just help me out here!

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da!

Just thought I'd share my mood today.  I am aware that I am not an artist, and I am even more aware that there are no rainbows without rain.  This is just how I feel today.  Enjoy.

Sometimes it's Like I Never Left (and I Love It)

I headed back to the Maq. this weekend to celebrate my friend Kate's birthday.  This was honestly one of the best weekends I've had in a long time.  For those of you who don't already know it, Kate's birthday is a national holiday.  It's a big deal every year and if you aren't there to celebrate with the right people, you WILL be in trouble.  That being said, I am so happy I went back last weekend!  It was the most fun I've had in so long.

The main event involved getting some sun time in but as we all know very well, the sun and I do not get along.  (My back is FRIED!)  Here's a picture of all of my lady friends that helped celebrate Kate's birthday.  (Kate's in the front middle, for those of you who might notknow her.)

It's funny how I can spend so much time away from my friends but we always fall back in to "best friendship" when we are together.  I love these ladies with all of my heart.


Friday night we got to spend some time with a few of our guy friends, which was nice since it has been so long since I've seen any of them.  The same thing applies with them though... once we get together it's like we've never been apart.  It's interesting really how that works.  You know, I've always felt like our group of friends from high school were different than a lot of people's "groups".  Maybe because I'm on the inside of that group, it's easy for me to say... maybe everyone feels that about their friend groups.  Our HS friends are like the friends that most people make in college though.  Those solid life-long friendships.  I may not get to see these ladies and gents as often as I'd like to (living several hours away from most of them), but it doesn't matter because when I see them again, it's like I never left.

Here's a bit more of how we spent our Friday night.  We grew moustaches!  On our FINGERS!  Kate's sporting "The Hitler"... she didn't center it on her finger very well though so it was "The Crooked Hitler" most of the night.  Megan's sporting "The Handlebar" or, as she calls it, "The Maq-stache".  Lanham is sporting "The Charlie Chaplin" and I've got "The Fireman" going on.  I know you all are jealous.

Saturday then was pool day.  We got some good sun time in and drank a lot of bucket drinks.  It was fantastic (aside from that whole sunburn thing).   Then Saturday night we got to see some of the boys again.  The boys were hosting the 3rd Annual "Feets of Strength" challenge, so several of them were in the area.  (Yes, I'm aware of how Feets is not spelled "feats".  They were barefoot for the events.)  Anyway, we had our own tournament, a little flippy cup action, as usual.  Well, we made it a high stakes tournament and if us ladies won we got the extra "Feets of Strength" t-shirts.  Needless to say, this is how we roll:

Team One & Done.  Notice all of our cups are flipped?  That would also be my free t-shirt!  Sorry boys, but you should really know better by now than to challenge us.

I'm so glad I made it back for the weekend.  I couldn't ask for better friends.

Oh yeah!  Something else exciting happened this weekend.  But, more on that later!

Things You Might Know & Things That You Don't

*Everyone knows that I love pickles!  You might not know that I love cotton candy!
*Everyone knows that I love to cook.  You might not know that I have a recipe arsenal.
*Everyone knows that I like the idea of living by vegetarian principles.  You might not know that I have a strong desire to eat raw beef! (It's true!)
*Everyone knows that I love all things rock music (from indie to hard rock).  You might not know that while driving I sometimes only listen to classical music
*Everyone knows that I am an animal lover.   You might not know that I HATE opossums!
*Everyone knows that I love kitchen utensils.  You might not know that I want to collect mortar & pestle sets (but I own only one!)
*Everyone knows that I have celebrity crushes on Mark Ruffalo, John Corbett & Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  You might not know that I have a closet crush on Jonathan Safran Foer
*I like to read Jodi Picoult, Jonathan Safran Foer & Nicholas Sparks.  You might not know that my favorite reads are Tolstoy & Dostoyevsky.
*Everyone knows that I love giving gifts.  You might not kow that I'd rather give a gift than receive one any day!
*Everyone knows that I love spending time with my friends & family.  You might not know that I'm a major homebody.
*Everyone knows that I say what's on my mind.  You DON'T have any idea what I'm filtering!
*Everyone knows that I usually appear to be quite chipper.  You might not know that on average I get a migraine about once a week.
*Everyone knows that I LOVE sleeping.  You might not know that I get very little of it!


A few more things you may not know:
*I'm addicted to storage.  Yep.  Tupperware, baskets, you name it.
*I used to collect pogs.  Remember them?
*Justin Timberlake is my guilty pleasure.  I like his music but it embarrasses me to admit it.

I'm sure I will add to these lists in the future, but for now this is what you get.  Enjoy!

Sadness Took Over My Musical Soul

I cried for a little bit of my old self tonight.  Not in sadness.  Not in happiness.  I don't know in what... reminiscence maybe?  You all may judge me and choose to have dramatic public readings of my blog after you read this (you know who you are), but I'm okay with that.

Tonight I was watching Journey:  Live in Milan.  Not old epic Journey; new Journey with the new front man that is younger than the age of the band itself.  Anyway, that is beside the point.  I was watching Journey and completely singing and dancing to "Separate Ways" (probably my favorite Journey song), and it made me cry.  I wasn't crying because I was happy.  I wasn't crying because I was sad.  I mean, the crying it what made me sad, but it wasn't a sad cry.  If that makes any sense.  It was like sob-singing.  I couldn't stop singing along but was definitely crying while trying to do so.  I would be willing to put money on the idea that this happens to everyone at some point in their life.  You just aren't willing to admit it.  Anyway, I know it sounds cliche.  I know it sounds super cheesy when people say they just "feel" the music.  But I was feeling it. 

It made me cry just like it does any other time I hear that song.  I love it.  There are just those songs that will get you every time, no matter how often you hear it and it will get you even worse if you're trying to sing along.  It will get you even more if you watch a tv performance of it, but it will get you the worst at a live concert.  I would be willing to bet that I have cried or nearly cried at almost every concert that I've been to, and for those who don't know me as well as others, there have probably been a LOT of live performances that I've seen.  Music is just powerful like that.

An artist is always going to find a way to connect with the audience.  It's not art if it can't connect with someone, even if it is just the artist himself.

I've always loved music and I love the rush that I get from it.  I've never drank before a concert I really cared about seeing, as a lot of people would, because I get such a physical high from the live performance.  I love songs that I feel I connect with and I love songs that represent the ideal me.  I'm sad to say, however, that I miss music.

A lot of my life used to be dedicated to finding bands to call my own (the lesser known bands that are just coming around); I used to be the person that my friends would come to first if they heard a new song and needed it identified.  There was not a band that a person could stump me with.  It's weird now for me to reminisce about it because I feel so out of the loop anymore.  My search for the ultimate song ended when I started spending all of my time with a certain man.  Let's blame Jack!  That's what I get for getting involved with boys.

I also put an end to concert-going last year in order to do adult things, like pay for a house and all of those fun little expenses that come along with it.  That's what I miss the most.  That is ultimately what made me sad tonight.  Watching that performance from Journey made me remember how much I love going to concerts.  I know that I am old now and could no longer handle some of the crazy crowds I've been a part of (how many of you have been to a concert with me where I didn't get you on the front gate directly in front of the stage?), but still...

Please faithful readers, tell me which songs give that feeling to you: that ultimate "hell yes" moment.  I need to know I'm not the only one.  (Tell me your favorite live performance you've seen too.  I need to live vicariously through you.)


P.S.  If any one of you want to attempt to knock on my love for Journey; go for it.  Try and tell me that you don't like Journey.  If you say that you don't, you're a poser.  There is no shame in loving Journey.

Now that this blog is written, how will I prevent myself from napping?

It's blogging weekend.  How about that?  3 days in a row?  A personal best!  (I think... I'm not going to go back and count to be sure though so sorry if I'm a liar.)

I went to Grandma Mad's today while Jack golfed.  I pulled weeds & re-mulched.  For 4 hours.  FOUR HOURS.  That's right.  I pulled weeds at Jack's grandma's while HE golfed.  Doesn't seem right, does it?  I would do anything for Grandma Madeleine though and she deserves it!  However, I am tired and cranky.  Does this make me old or does this mean I'm pulling a Benjamin Button and just need a juice box and a nap?  I would definitely take the nap. 

Instead I sit here blogging.  I need to keep all of my 8 fine followers posted!  That's right people... I have 8 followers now.  (Thank you Smashley for upping my numbers!)  I suppose this is unfair of me to say about myself because I know that I have well over 8 followers, as I have well over 8 people who comment to me about my blog.  I should say that I have 8 followers who are willing to admit they are followers by "joining" my blog.  HA!  Whatev.

Anyhoo, I don't have a whole lot to say today, other than that it is 4:00 PM so I feel it is inappropriate to nap, which means I must blog in order to keep myself awake.  Sad, huh?  I'm pathetic; I'm aware.

I will add a note about Memorial Day weekend.  I know I said I wouldn't blog about it because Pam did, but I will mention that I got to see some of my favorite ladies from high school.  We learned that night that I hadn't seen any of them since Kate's birthday shindig last year (June '09).  Super unfortunate and pretty lame of me and more lame of them for not coming to visit ME!  :)  On that note I will leave you with a picture to commemorate my evening with Season, Kate & Lacey.  I love you ladies!

Smiling Stranger

I like people who smile at strangers.

I smile at strangers.

This may surprise those of you who know my bitchy nature.  Yes, I am full aware that it exists.  Sorry, but if I make a bitchy comment toward you, it is probably true and I most likely mean it.  What does this say about me as an individual?  Maybe I am blunt.  Maybe I speak my mind.  Maybe I lack somewhat in the filtering department.  At the same time though, I feel that I am able to filter when I feel it necessary (even if others think I should filter a bit more often.)  My point through all of this rambling is that I am not bitchy to just anyone.  If I'm rude to you, there is probably a reason.  I'd like to say I'm sorry for it, but I'm really most likely not.

I like most people.  I feel I get along with most people.  This brings me back to the intention of this blog.  I like people who smile at strangers.  I like it when strangers smile or say "hello".  I try to smile and say "hello" to the people I come across as well.

The reason I bring all of this up is that society really surprises me.  This is as bittersweet as a comment could be.

I find it sad that people are sometimes so startled by someone they don't know just saying "hello".  My intention is never to startle someone, but it happens a lot and this fact makes my heart break a little for these people that must be used to being ignored.

Then of course there are those people who think "hello" is a cue for a 20 minute conversation about topics which neither party really care about.  These are usually the same people that get so overjoyed by your smile that they would leap in front of a moving car just to get closer to you.

Then there are those people.  You know who they are without mention.  They snarl at any sign of friendliness.  You could scream "HELLO!!!!" right in their ear and they would either snub you or continue walking like they never heard you in the first place.

There there is me.  If someone says "hi" to me on the street it makes my day.  I don't care who that person is, what they look like, or what they are doing.  They took the time to be friendly.  I smile and say "hello" back to them and we both go about our day. 

It's like the free version of paying it forward.  If someone smiles at you when you walk past them, aren't you that much more likely to smile at the next person you see?  Just think if everyone did this.  We would all walk around smiling.  It is a known fact that the very act of smiling instantly makes you a bit happier no matter what your circumstance.

So, smile at the next person you see, whether you know them or not.  Say "hello" to a stranger on the sidewalk.  Smile right now even if no one is around.  And show some teeth, would you?  You liked it, didn't you?

[Here's a little bugger that makes me smile.  (My nephew, Easton.)  He's smiling too, if you didn't notice.]

"Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do."

So, I thought, "Hey... I haven't written a blog for like a week, so maybe it's time."  It turns out maybe not.  I've been sitting here for a few minutes now and realized I don't have ANYTHING to blog about.  Kaiah and I ate sweet potato fries for lunch... is that blogworthy?  (They are one of my favorite snacks and it turns out that they're possibly one of Kai's favorites too.)  I'm working on cleaning my house today... what about that?  I need to go get new print cartridges and dog food at some point today... any of this interesting to you?  Sorry folks.  Turns out I'm boring.  Who knew?  Meh, maybe you all did.  I guess I thought I was the only one who was aware of this completely useless knowledge.

Here's something of some importance.  I have to work tomorrow.  Yep.  I said it.  WORK.  Back to the ol' salt mine.  This may not seem like very blogworthy news to any of my few but faithful readers, but it is news.  For those of you that don't know I have practically been a hermit for the past 10 months of my life.  (With the exception of a nice little week-long stint in October.)  It wasn't because I didn't want to work. (Well, let's face it.  Nobody wants to work.  Or maybe you do... in which case good for you.  Please enlighten me as to where I can get a job that I love well enough that I would rather do that than play with my dog all day.)

I thought that I wanted an entirely different career path.  I think I got burned out hardcore working at my previous job.  Don't get me wrong, I loved working with the kiddles and LOVED my coworkers (and still do!), but that job was taxing.  I decided I was going to look for something different.  It turns out that when you've worked with children, the elderly, or just people in general for your entire life, it's hard to just break on to a new career path without going back to school or having to flip burgers or bag groceries.  So, I'm going back to doing a job that is pretty much the same thing that I was doing before.  And that's okay.  It's a new environment and the clientele will be a wee bit different.  Plus, I've had a nice stretch of time to get away from it and just breathe.

Bonuses of going back to work: 

• More $$$, of course!
• I can talk to people during the day again!  (Without having to go to the grocery store!)
• I get to help people again.  (Let's face it, when it comes to work that's all I've ever done and known.)
• I don't have to listen to Kaiah bark all day...  (Bittersweet)  :(
• I get to meet new peeps!  You know I always like new people!
• I will (hopefully) eat better & snack less!  [I won't have my cupboards right in front of me to scavenge through when I'm hungry (or bored, for that matter).]

Damages of going back to work:

• Loss of free time/freedom.  (That's a doozy.)
• I'll miss my little Kaiahroo!  (Ever since she came into our lives, one of us has been home with her for the most part and now she'll be all alone during the day.)  :'(
• My house will no longer be the cleanest house in Des Moines!  (Not that I won't still clean but seriously, if I'm working all day I'm not going to want to come home and clean.  I've been cleaning every day for the last 10 months, for the most part!)
• Not as much gourmet cooking!  (I'm not going to want to come home and put a huge effort into dinner when I can make something simple quickly.)
• I'm going to work out a lot less.  (I've all ready begun to realize that I will fail at keeping this up.  Being a "housewife" is a full-time job the way it is.  I've got a man and a dog that are both extremely needy, so I'm no longer going to have a lot of "me time".)
• I'm going to have to start getting dressed again.  Damn.

That's it.  That last one just put me over the edge.  I've decided NOT to return to work.  I kid... but only kind of. 

Oscar Wilde said it best, "Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do."  Eek, Mr. Wilde... some of us just need the CASH.  :)

The Perfect(?) Trifecta

Isn't it funny how life never quite works out the way that you imagined it would?  I know this seems a cliche way to start out today's blog, but I've been doing some soul searching this morning.

"Life", or what you pictured for your life, continues to get pushed further and further down the line.  (I guess it also comes a lot sooner than planned for some people, but not me.)

As a child, I thought I would be in a house & married, with a puppy at home and a child on the way by the age of 25.  As I got older I still wanted all of those things; it just got pushed back to the age of 28.  In January of 2009 (25 years old), I had a steady boyfriend, but other than that I was in no way on my track to make it by 28.  Now I'm 27 & it appears as though I'm almost there.

I've got the house:

The boyfriend has proposed:

I've got the puppy (In front of our refrigerator.  So tiny!):

who is now a dog (95 lbs. of dog!):

Yet it's still not right.  Why is it that everyone continues to strive for perfect when perfection is nearly impossible?  I've got the house.  I've got my fiance, Jack.  I've got my "puppy", Kaiah.  (I guess it's time to start calling her my dog, huh?)  The only thing missing is the actual marriage itself and the child (which, thank God, we are in no way ready to make that goal).  And yet, I still feel so far from where I wanted to be another year from now.

I guess as a kid you don't think about things like financial stability, job security & stress (Oh, the stress...) or even general happiness.  You think that those things are just an automatic bonus that comes with the territory.  I mean, if you have a house, you must have a job and you must be financially stable, right?  And you have the "perfect life", so you must be happy and stress free, right?

Is it just me?  Am I being completely pessimistic?  I mean,  a lot of people are in the same boat as I am, right?  RIGHT?!?! 

It's that strive for perfection.  It's being goal-driven.  It's making the decision to go down that path that you've always wanted since you were a little girl, even if, in retrospect, you were a bit hasty about the leap.  It's forcing all of those things into the last year (or so) of my life.  Feb. '09: Engagement.  May '09:  House & Puppy.  May '09 - Present:  Dealing with the aftermath of all of those decisions.  The perfect trifecta.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my fiance, Jack.  I love my house.  I love my dog, Kaiah.  What I don't love is people constantly asking me about wedding plans (since we have been engaged for 16 months and haven't made a single plan), paying bills (or stressing over whether we can pay the bills), & barking and slobber.

The funny thing is, it's all worth it.  I love Jack.  We fight, as every couple does, but we also laugh.  A LOT.  I get stressed paying more for a house and having all of those extra expenses that you don't have with an apartment, but it is so worth it.  I get sick of listening to barking and cleaning up slobber, but it is nice to know when someone is coming to the door, and it is wonderful to get the little girl puppy kisses.

Life is funny like that...