Disclaimer: Pity Party Alert

Ah, this wonderful thing we call "life".  My life has been NUTS lately.  Dramatic, may be a better term.  Maybe more dramatic than it needs to be... maybe not.  Well, it doesn't NEED to be dramatic, but I feel my drama is not without cause.

I realized something tonight.  Well, I've realized it before, but I'm coming to terms with it tonight.  Life is what you make it.  The way my life has become is all a result of my own poor choices.  I've always known that but it's really easy to blame others for things.  I can not control the way that people treat me, but I can control who I surround myself with.  I can not control being unable to pay my bills at the exact moment in time when they're due, but I can control what profession I'm in and how I save my money.  I can control who/what I put my trust in, but I can't control how people will manipulate and take advantage of that trust.

Thus is life.

I need to start making better choices for my life.  I think those choices are going to be completely enveloped in ME.  I know this will seem backward from what most people would say, but I need to start being selfish.  I'm sure there are a few of you out there who feel I am already a selfish person.  I agree; I am in a lot of ways.  I go out some nights so I can be with friends and I leave my dog home alone.  I always feel guilty about this.  I agreed to let my neighbor use my garage to store his mowers in exchange for doing my snow all winter.  SO not a fair trade.  As many of you know, I stole my sister's colored sparkler when we were kids, just because I could.  (She Chuck Norris'ed her way to a bloody leg and got them back out of pity... and my mom yelling at me.)  SELFISH.

I'm also the girl who would bend over backward for a friend in need.  I'm the girl who will climb out of bed at 2am to give her drunk friend a safe ride home.  I'm the girl who will drop everything if someone she loves (or even an acquaintance) says "I need/want you to..." I'm the girl who will rearrange her work schedule so that she can make sure to help out anyone who needs it, even if it means working long hours and working nonbillable hours some days.  I'm the girl who will give money to charity even though I have my own incredible amount of debt.  I'm the girl who is still there no matter what's been done to hurt her or make her feel like garbage.  I'm THAT girl.

This last one is the one I need to work on.  I want to be there for people; I really do.  I want to help others, even if they wouldn't do the same for me.  I want to do these things and I DO them.  But, lately it's been coming back to bite me.  My time is not valuable to me... it feels more valuable when I help people with it.  However, lately I've been letting my emotions get the best of me.  I am not good at feigning apathy.  I wish I could turn my feelings off.  I wish I could stop myself from feeling manipulated, abused and taken advantage of.  I wish I could shut off the hurt and pain I feel because of these things.  The problem is, I can ignore these feelings during these moments, but when I get home, they really start to wear on me.  My mind is in overdrive the majority of my conscious time and it's becoming depressing.  I'm not going to be able to BE unselfish if I DON'T take a selfish moment to think of myself and help myself to heal and become emotionally healthy again.  My unselfish acts are going to cause me to become a highly selfish person in a negative way, if I don't allow myself to be selfish on my own, so that I can heal.

I know.  Who planned the pity party?  Jenni Schwartz: Always the martyr.  I guess if you don't want to hear me bitch and moan, you'll know to no longer follow my blog, right?  I promise to have a more peppy blog entry soon, but right now there isn't enough pep in the world to make that happen.

It is what it is.  My favorite phrase.  I guess it's time to retire it if I'm really going to make my life better.  It IS what it IS.  (one last time for good measure)

Hey! I swear this post ends on a positive note!

Disclaimer:  The blog you are about to read is raw.  This is real.  This is me.  It's all coming out there and it's full of negativity.  If you want no part of that, read no further.  There may be parts that will offend some of you.  There will be parts that will make me sound like a raging bitch.  There will definitely be parts that make you change your opinion of me, more than likely in a negative light.  It is what it is and I am what I am.  I won't apologize for that.  I gave you this disclaimer.

I should add: it's long and there are no pictures.  I'm sorry.

I do know how long it has been.  I'm very aware.  My world has been tilted and spun and completely imploded and rebuilt (kind of) over the last year.  You may remember this post from last year.  A wee bit o' negativity well-rounded out to a life on the right track.  House. Dog. Fiancé.  BAM.  "Well, here's a little story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down..."  (If you don't know where that lyric came from, you're either too old, too young, or not cool enough.)

Where do I begin?  Here's a little run through for those of you who chose not to click the link above.  Last year at this time, I had bought and been living in our very first home with my fiancé, Jack, for about a year. We had a puppy who was just over a year old and we were on our way to the whole lot: marriage, babies, A LIFE together.  Fast forward about a year and HERE WE I SIT.

The majority of this is going to be new information for you.  Some of you will know parts of it.  Some of you will have heard rumors.  A few of you will know most of it.  None of you will know all of it.  But guess what?  I'm at the point where I'm sick of people asking questions.  I'm sick of telling the story.  I'm sick of explaining myself when it's none of your god damn buisness in the first place.  But... here it is.

Here's the main question answered for you all: YES.  JACK AND I ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER.  I gave Jack his ring back in November 2010 after 3 1/2 years together and an almost 2 year engagement. It was a mutual decision. Wait, wait... hold on.  This date may seem odd to those of you closest to us.  Yes, we lived together up until about a month ago.  Originally it was so close to the holidays that we decided it best to fake it for our families... and we did.  Then we were nostalgic BECAUSE of the holidays so we started to fall back in to the ol' swing of things, including our glorious fights... oh the fights.  We kept putting off telling everyone and it was working as housemates for a while.  Then it came time for my brother's wedding.  Well, we faked it through that, down to my wearing the engagement ring for the reception.  Yep.  After that things got bad.  Ugly.  We told our families we had split, but we were still attempting to be housemates for financial reasons.  That did NOT work.  Jack finally moved out at the end of July.  Isn't it funny how when it's truly the end, the only things you remember are the good parts?  I have to be honest.  Even with everything we had been through, that entire weekend all I kept thinking was "is this the right thing?" and "if it is right, why am I so upset about it?"  I mean, the engagement had already been broken off for 8 months at that point; why does it still hurt?  Why am I crying about it now, another month later, while writing this blog?

Why did we split you ask?  Oh, thank you for asking!  That's a delightful question to answer.  I'm sure that everyone who splits from their partner LOVE to answer that question.  There are a multitude of reasons and frankly, I'm not going to delve in to it.  Yes, I know I said I would bare all, but I'm not about to slander Jack.  He is a good person with a good heart regardless of how we've treated each other.  I could list for you a thousand reasons why we worked but the handful that explains why we didn't overshadow the larger number tenfold.  This is not only my business to share and I will respect Jack enough not to give you our reasons.  I know some of you think you know, but you have no idea.  I've shared some with some of you, but all of it with none of you.  I'm sure Jack would have completely different reasons for why we split than I do.  When it comes down to it, I think Jack and I are both great people as individuals, but when we are together we are completely toxic.  That doesn't make for a happy home.

Oh, that happy home?  Unfortunately for me, the home is all in my name.  Jack was able to walk out without a care or concern for it (although he feels this is unfortunate on his end... he would have loved for it to be the other way around).  So, I'm left with a huge house for myself and my dog and the financial burden of it as well.  Don't get me wrong; I love being a homeowner.  But when you pair up paying for a ginormous house I don't need with all of my other financial problems... this is where the Schwartz Shit Show begins.  Welcome.

Finances:  Remember when I didn't work for 10 months and used to blog daily?  That's where it began.  Debt can build up quickly.  I have a mortgage, I have credit cards, I have a $4000 knee replacement for my dog and all of those other lovely bills.  Bills, bills, bills... blech.  I know you all know how that goes, so I won't be using this blog to play the martyr over my financial woes, though they are very real and will very likely make me forclose on my home eventually... until then, I'm planted.  Oh, I should add, I'm in quite possibly the most underpaid and underappreciated field ever: social work.  Just to give you a feel for how serious my problem really is.

The dog... ugh this was such a tough one.  For months Jack and I fought tooth and nail about who was taking Kaiah when he moved out.  She was really the only "possession" either of us cared to have.  In the end, she is with me, and it's actually really sad.  Jack and I didn't work for many reasons but in the end, I feel like I'm the evil one because I gained got stuck with the home we were trying to create and was lucky enough to get the dog that we had been raising since she was only a few weeks old.  You know what?  It absolutely broke my heart.  Yes, I was lucky to gain her, but I had to take her from Jack.  That makes me cry right now thinking about it.  In the end he didn't fight with me for her.  He stated that it would be best for Kai to be in the house than for her to be stuck in an apartment with him.  Even if we hated each other toward the end, the one thing that Jack always loved and treated right was Kaiah.  It killed me a little bit.  I made a point to not be there when Jack finally left, not because I didn't want to say "goodbye" but because I didn't want to have to see him say "goodbye" to her.  She waited on the doorstep EVERY DAY for weeks at 4:00 waiting for him to come home from work.  She is just now realizing that he's not coming back.  Maybe I'm too emotionally attached to her, but it killed me having to watch that and having to tell her that it was okay.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a parent in a divorce.  I still can't say "dad" around Kaiah without her ears perking up and her getting excited.

Oh... did you think that was the end?  That would be INCORRECT!

I'm gonna add a quick lil' note here to tell you that I'm not even going to delve in to my work problems.  There are too many eyes on the internet.  I don't have bad things to say about my place of work, more so just my personal thoughts and feelings regarding my choice of profession.  Everyone has work complaints, right?  Really it's another blog for another day.

So, how am I?  Why, thank you for asking!  I'm an emotional trainwreck.  Today has been the day from hell.  I've dealt with the insurance agency of some bitch who backed in to my car and is trying to blame me for it.  The only want to pay me 80% of the damages.  Bull shit. 

Today I've also dealt with receiving not-so-lovely news from my doctor.  I've filled a brand new lifetime prescription for it.  Hypothyroidism.  For life.  Literally.  I received another lovely blow from my doctor regarding the unlikelihood of my ever having children... not impossible, but not likely. 

I've dealt with a few other things, but they were more the result of my being an insecure, emotionally raw being today, so I'll keep that to myself.

Let's see... what other shitty things are happening with me?  Hmmm...  I think that covers it pretty well.  (Except I forgot to mention that Jack got to take the good couches, the PS3 AND every dvd player in the house... making life less entertaining for me!)

Good stuff?  Well, how about we start with the in-the-middle stuff.  Some of you may be asking, "Is there a new man in your life?"  Great question folks.  I don't know.  There is, but there isn't.  It's not really a public knowledge relationship, though some of our mutual friends know about us.  There's no definition on it, though it's been "going on" since May.  I guess you'd say we're... yeah, I don't even know.  This is why it's in my "in-the-middle stuff" category.  I don't know what we are or what we're doing so... yep.  He and I have been able to support each other through very tough times for both of us lately and what we "are/are not" works for us right now. I'm not going to go further in to it because, again, there is another party involved and he is entitled to that privacy as well. 

The good stuff:  I've met a lot of people over the last 3 months that I'm now glad to call my friends.  I've not really had a chance to let new people help me cope as much as I have over the last few months.  I've always depended on my life-long friends for that.  Don't get me wrong; my long-time friends have been very supportive of me as well.  I'm just saying that I am surprised at the support I've received from new friends.  I love and appreciate you all.  You know if you've been there for me over the past few months, so I don't feel that I need to name names.  Thank you.

I've also had a wedding-filled summer that has been amazing.  I would like to take the time to apologize, however, because my summer was SO filled with weddings, I've not made it to several and I've not made it to a lot of other events because of weddings.  It's hard to make decisions about who to be with and for what reasons and what event is more important than the next.  Thank you for loving me even if I didn't make it to a special day for you.

Last, but definitely not least, my family.  The thing I've always appreciated most about my parents: they let me make my mistakes and learn from them.  Okay... scratch that.  I can't really say that I've ALWAYS appreciated that, but I really do now.  My parents have always scolded me and they've always taught me right from wrong and they've always told me when I've messed up and what I should have done instead, but after doing so, they let me move on.  They let me try to fix it and they try to help if they can.  I love you both for that.  Thank you.  My little sister.  The little bitch.  We've had moments where we've wanted to tear off the other's face.  She roundhouse kicked through a french glass door 'cause I stole her sparkler.  Haha... I love her.  She is my rock and will listen to me bitch about anything.  My brothers... ah, my brothers.  If I need comedic relief, I know who to call.  I also know who to call if I need to be grilled/teased.  I thought we were supposed to outgrow that...

Anyway, I know this is more information that any of you ever needed to know about my life.  At least now my extended family can know the facts, my facebookers can realize the truths and my tweeters can understand my constant bitchy nature.  It's not an excuse... just an explanation.  Sorry to offend... but not really.  I gave you a disclaimer.

A month later...

Wow.
It's been almost a month since I've blogged.
I'm aware of how ridiculous this is.
I've had a lot going on.
Tore up the basement.
I'm actually developing a caseload at work.
This means that I've had to work.
Several new diagnoses.  (Yay... NOT.)
Brought back the phrase "NOT".
You know, the uje.

I've also decided that I can break down to the first syllable of "usual" by saying "uje" in order to make it sound right.  Care to disagree with me?  You come up with a better solution.  (Saying the whole word is NOT an option.

Here's a picture to make up for the load of crap I've just made you read.



Just a lil' something to show you how upset I was by my "Texas Toast" which 
was actually a tiny slice o' bun.  I'm aware of how unflattering this picture is.
It still makes me laugh.  A lot.



Officially Bummed

So, it turns out that Bronko is going to be a no go.  :(  Kaiah did not like any part of him.  She attempted to sniff him but as soon as he muzzle bumped her, she was ready to destroy him.
I'm bummed though, so that's all I have to say on the subject at this point.

The Perfect(?) Trifecta

Isn't it funny how life never quite works out the way that you imagined it would?  I know this seems a cliche way to start out today's blog, but I've been doing some soul searching this morning.

"Life", or what you pictured for your life, continues to get pushed further and further down the line.  (I guess it also comes a lot sooner than planned for some people, but not me.)

As a child, I thought I would be in a house & married, with a puppy at home and a child on the way by the age of 25.  As I got older I still wanted all of those things; it just got pushed back to the age of 28.  In January of 2009 (25 years old), I had a steady boyfriend, but other than that I was in no way on my track to make it by 28.  Now I'm 27 & it appears as though I'm almost there.

I've got the house:

The boyfriend has proposed:

I've got the puppy (In front of our refrigerator.  So tiny!):

who is now a dog (95 lbs. of dog!):

Yet it's still not right.  Why is it that everyone continues to strive for perfect when perfection is nearly impossible?  I've got the house.  I've got my fiance, Jack.  I've got my "puppy", Kaiah.  (I guess it's time to start calling her my dog, huh?)  The only thing missing is the actual marriage itself and the child (which, thank God, we are in no way ready to make that goal).  And yet, I still feel so far from where I wanted to be another year from now.

I guess as a kid you don't think about things like financial stability, job security & stress (Oh, the stress...) or even general happiness.  You think that those things are just an automatic bonus that comes with the territory.  I mean, if you have a house, you must have a job and you must be financially stable, right?  And you have the "perfect life", so you must be happy and stress free, right?

Is it just me?  Am I being completely pessimistic?  I mean,  a lot of people are in the same boat as I am, right?  RIGHT?!?! 

It's that strive for perfection.  It's being goal-driven.  It's making the decision to go down that path that you've always wanted since you were a little girl, even if, in retrospect, you were a bit hasty about the leap.  It's forcing all of those things into the last year (or so) of my life.  Feb. '09: Engagement.  May '09:  House & Puppy.  May '09 - Present:  Dealing with the aftermath of all of those decisions.  The perfect trifecta.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my fiance, Jack.  I love my house.  I love my dog, Kaiah.  What I don't love is people constantly asking me about wedding plans (since we have been engaged for 16 months and haven't made a single plan), paying bills (or stressing over whether we can pay the bills), & barking and slobber.

The funny thing is, it's all worth it.  I love Jack.  We fight, as every couple does, but we also laugh.  A LOT.  I get stressed paying more for a house and having all of those extra expenses that you don't have with an apartment, but it is so worth it.  I get sick of listening to barking and cleaning up slobber, but it is nice to know when someone is coming to the door, and it is wonderful to get the little girl puppy kisses.

Life is funny like that...